Black Panther Is A Boring Mess Of A Movie With Dull Characters And Predictable Story

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Never in my life have I been so pressured to see a movie before… until now.

onion-avatar115Liberals and Leftists have stated that if anyone hated this movie it automatically means they’re a “racist.”  Not to mention, Rotten Tomatoes said they would delete reviews that were negative to the film, citing “racism” if you had a different opinion.

I’m going to try my best to avoid cursing in this review as much as possible.

Leftists say that this is the first black superhero film with an entire cast being black as well, in history…

WRONG!

wrong

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FIRST. BLACK. SUPERHERO…

  • You have Blade 1998 (starring Wesley Snipes),

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  • The Meteor Man 1993 (starring Robert Townsend),

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  • Spawn 1997 (starring Michael Jai White), and

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    I’m really black underneath all this horrible makeup.
  • Steel 1997 (starring Shaquille O’Neal).

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    If only I had a better script and if I could act, this would’ve gotten a sequel.

Grant it, none of the other movies were as popular as Blade.  Blade was the exception to the rule and had two more sequels.  The second wasn’t that bad actually and had great characters, including special effects.  But the third one sucked horribly due to problems with budget, script, and Wesley Snipes himself.

ENTIRE CAST IS BLACK…?!

  • Look no further than Boys N The Hood,

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  • Coming To America,

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    Does this American sports clothes make us look fat?
  • Friday,

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  • The Wiz,

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    Michael Jackson as the Scarecrow ruined my childhood.
  • The Color Purple,

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    This was before… when she used to know how to act.
  • The Meteor Man,

  • every Tyler Perry film ever made (Madea and his TV shows), and more.

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    Just shoot me now.
  • If you don’t believe me, here’s a list of Best Black Movies.

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If you hate spoilers, STOP READING NOW.

If you love Black Panther and hate hearing the truth about your beloved film being a piece of crap, please STOP HERE because I’m going to rip this thing to shreds.

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

onion-avatar110One of my family members wanted me to see this accursed film.  I gave in and decided to watch it with them, despite the fact that I was never interested in watching it in the first place.

I’ve heard about Black Panther, and have read some of the comics.  So, I know a little bit about the character and the world itself (Wakanda especially).  The king, T’Challa, is basically a Black Trump, who lives behind a wall and only wants what’s best for his kingdom/people.

If the film stuck to the original plot, like that in the comics, I might have reconsidered my review and changed it from zero stars to five stars.  This film from start to finish is boring.

WbY2eThe film starts out with such a weird introduction.  A child asks his father about the Black Panther and we get this horrendous exposition about everything.  It’s narration about some asteroid crashing into Africa and a purple flower grows, giving strength to anyone who eats it, etc etc.

We’re in the city, somewhere, and there’s lights in the night sky.  Forgive me, if I don’t know all the names of the characters, because frankly I just stopped caring after this part.  Two guys in an apartment have guns and weapons and the taller one says he hears something.  They quickly hide the evidence and the shorter one goes to the door, sees a woman holding a spear and blah blah they open the door and we see Black Panther (he’s older) so it’s the father.

The father talks to the taller one (who happens to be his brother) and charges him with the crime of stealing technology/weapons from Wakanda.  His brother wants to build an army, using Wakanda’s technology to fight against the white man since everyone’s so oppressed in America.

Really?!

The older brother asks his younger brother to go back to Wakanda for a trial, where he’ll be judged by his people and the elders whatever.  He walks off and the spaceship in the night sky flies away.  A bunch of kids playing basketball stop and look up at the lights, not knowing what it is.

That’s how the movie starts and it cuts to the Marvel flip book and music themed trailer.  What kind of intro is that exactly?  We don’t even know who these characters are and by the time something interesting happens, the film cuts away from it.

eVhLrThat’s just bad editing.  Not only that, there’s no emotion in this scene. You could’ve taken this scene out and nothing would’ve been missed. I’ll come back to this stupid scene again, because this movie will use a nail and a hammer to pound you over the head with, until this scene never goes away.

After the Marvel theme trailer ends, we get Spear Lady in the spaceship, talking to a young Black Panther (the son) and they see some trucks with guns and terrorists.  Who are these terrorists by the way?  Are they terrorists?  It’s never explained in the film who the hell Black Panther is tracking.

He’s only tracking them because there’s someone there that he knows, who is his Ex-Girlfriend.  Black Panther falls from the sky and ambushes the terrorists and saves his Ex-Girlfriend, who he can barely even talk to.  All I know is that he wants the girl to come to his celebration, since he’ll be King or something.

The action scenes also looked very fake in this film.  When T’Challa wears the Black Panther suit, it doesn’t look realistic at all, especially at night.  It’s purely a CGI rubber condom.  At least with the movie Blade, you saw real people in real outfits (either Wesley Snipes or a body double), but they had real kicks and punches that looked legit. I felt no tension in this scene with the terrorists.

There’s no sense of imminent danger to T’Challa and his girlfriend.  Also, the soundtrack in this film is bad.  Many times the music is over the top with the drums and the hip-hop.  It made the scenes less dramatic and quite cheesy.

To make a long story short, I fell asleep afterwards and lost interest in everything that was going on.  That’s how much I hate this movie.  I really don’t want to discuss the rest of the film’s many plot holes and the story.

If you’ve ever watched a movie where brothers fight and kill each other, then you don’t need to see Black Panther.

If you’ve watched James Bond, Mission Impossible, or any other Spy movie, then you don’t need to see Black Panther.

If you’ve watched The Lion King or any Disney film without blood, then you don’t need to see Black Panther.

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Simba, remember who you are.

If you’ve watched a film that has sexism and racism, then you don’t need to see Black Panther.

If you’ve watched Xena and Hercules, then you don’t need to see Black Panther.

If you’ve watched Lord of the Rings, the Matrix, the Chronicles of Narnia, Star Wars, or any other sci-fi/fantasy films, then you don’t need to see Black Panther.

I didn’t care whether any of the characters lived or died.  I don’t sympathize with T’challa/Black Panther and not once did his character change after what he went through.  For a movie to claim that it has such strong, black female characters, I did not once feel that any of these characters were strong.

Sure, they could kick your butt and maybe invent technology that’s already been made into sneakers (I’m talking about T’challa’s sister).  But not once did I know any of them individually.

T’Challa is such a weak character that he needs three women to protect him at all times.  That’s kind of sad.  I didn’t understand why they needed him at all.  Give the girls the panther suit, buddy, because you lost twice in that ritual battle.

Wakanda’s Utopian society is flawed in so many ways.  I found a lot of glaring inconsistencies with the city of Wakanda itself (Laws, crimes, etc), the rituals, the weapons/technology, and the battles. Nothing made any sense.  If you’re building a city with an invisible barrier or wall, it better be believable.  Wakanda is purely fantasy and it’s an illusion that any idiot can see through.  If it existed in reality, it would never survive long due to internal warfare among its own people and outside.

Let’s say an evil relative comes in and challenges T’Challa/Black Panther to the death, and he dies in a ritual battle.  Then, that evil ruler has total control over Wakanda’s technology (the black Panther suit), all the weapons, the army, and burns all the flowers (destroying everything).  Yeah… maybe that’s not a great idea.

The purpose of the purple flowers was all over the place.  You drink it and get stronger, but it did not make T’Challa stronger in battle at all.  Then, the elders buried him in the ground, so he can speak to dead people.  It makes the resolution way too easy to resolve.  Yeah, I’ll fix my Daddy’s mistakes (since he killed my uncle, who’s really his brother) and help save my people, knowing that my evil twin cousin wants to take over the world.

Not once did I feel T’Challa was a developed character, only a Gary-Stu.  People save him all the time, but he can’t save himself.  Not even once without his precious suit. His villain was also a Gary-Stu and his motivations were rather shallow, by killing all white people, including his own people.  Just your typical villain from next door, who’s also sexist and racist.  Got it.

When I did finally wake up, the movie was coming to a close… but not before I saw this WTF moment when T’Challa was on the mountain top thinking about saving his evil cousin or whoever.

Now…this villain did kill Black Panther’s mentor (his father’s friend) in the heat of battle. He also threw Black Panther over a cliff, tried to kill his mother, his sister, his girlfriend, all female guard friends, and his entire kingdom (including the world) but that doesn’t seem to bother Black Panther one bit.

Nope, none whatsoever.

Black Panther’s like “You know, we could be friends.”

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I like your dreads. What conditioner do you use?

I don’t know about you but I’d probably push the serial killer in a deep, dark hole after he tried to kill me and everyone I loved just five minutes ago.

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Thankfully, the villain’s like “Fuck no, you’re a racist and a traitor to all black people.  I’d rather die than live in a cage, in a white man’s world,” and he pulls out the sword in his chest and he dies, because of… racism…

That’s not what he actually said, but it would’ve been hilarious if he did.  I stopped listening after the first ten minutes of this movie.

Anyway, my final thoughts of Black Panther is it sucked badly for a number of reasons.

  1. The technology of Wakanda doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, from powering spaceships to healing people.  Just pick one already.
  2. The purple flowers are a stupid concept: from strength to healing to speaking to dead people (especially your Dad to find the truth) has already been done to death in better movies and other ways.
  3. The evil twin cousin wanting revenge for his father’s death is cliched.  Also, the villain was sexist and racist.  Nothing new there.  He also blames all white people for his problems and his people’s problems, which is funny because it was your black uncle who killed your father.  No mention of black-on-black violence in the inner streets.  And also, where was his mother?  Either I wasn’t paying attention or did the villain raise himself?  No background history was ever given as to how the villain survived and got in the military, especially when he was a murdering psychopath.
  4. The strong females are Mary Sues and never get seriously hurt nor killed. In the famous car chase scene… an entire car is torn completely apart and not one of the girls gets a single scratch nor does the car blow up from the impact of being blasted to bits.
  5. The main character is weak and underdeveloped; he cries a lot in this movie.

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    I’m going to sit here all day and try to look like I’m doing something important.
  6. The Wakanda city is impossible to build without some kind of outside help.  What about aliens from another planet?
  7. Wakanda’s King would be an evil, oppressive dictatorship so incredibly fast, it’s not even funny.
  8. The invisible wall is stupid and has been done before.  How are they not detected by satellite?  How come no other aircraft has crashed or gone through them yet?
  9. The spaceships are fake looking and not inspiring.  And how come none of them have accidentally crashed into regular airplanes, minding their own business, in America or other heavily populated cities.
  10. Some of the costumes are ridiculous.  They look uncomfortable and not good for combat or even walking in.

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    What the fuck am I wearing?
  11. The ritual battle is moronic and shows that Wakanda is not really advanced at all in mindset. They still look like barbarians to me.
  12. How come there are citizens who work and live outside of Wakanda? And who gets to decide who stays or goes?
  13. Where is the law and order?  Is it the king or the elders? If a husband beats his wife or if a kid steals a loaf of bread, who determines punishment?
  14. If the King leaves all the time to fight crime in America, who’s protecting the kingdom and the wall?
  15. Why would you leave all your weapons/technology in one place?  Without no freaking password or face recognition software?

  16. Why are the female guards loyal to just about any guy (or idiot) who takes over the throne? If your loyalty is with the first original king, then they should stay with the original king even till death.
  17. When T’Challa’s sister said, “Not another white guy to save,” who and what is she talking about? Wakanda’s population is all black Africans and if they’re really living in seclusion (away from the war and the entire world), she wouldn’t have seen a white guy until just now. It would’ve been interesting to see her reaction to seeing a white guy for the first time in her life, but she’s not surprised by the newcomer (who she calls “Colonizer”) at all.
  18. The final battle with the shield guys and their battle rhinos… really… did you know that rhinos have the worst vision ever?  They have good smell, but they’re blind as a bat.  How did not one rhino accidentally kill one of their own men in combat?  Also, rhinos are not good runners, like 25 miles an hour slow. And why did one rhino lick the face of the Spear Lady?
  19. I don’t know about you, but I don’t recall rhinos having good memories. 

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    I give up, because I love rhinos.
  20. They’re not like elephants.  It would’ve made more sense to ride elephants, than rhinos.  By the way, both species are on the brink of extinction so they wouldn’t have many rhinos nor elephants to battle with.  Now, I feel sorry for the rhinos being used for war and battling.  Thanks Black Panther for exploiting fake CGI rhinos in battle.
  21. Back to the beginning scene with the father of Black Panther, who killed his brother to protect his friend (who happened to be a spy).  Why would you leave the body of your own brother in the apartment?  Not to mention, his own son behind?
  22. Why would you also leave the weapons behind, including the notebooks about Wakanda itself?

  23. I mean, once the cops and FBI found out that your dead brother had claw marks on his chest and not a gunshot wound, especially forensics on footprints and books of Wakanda’s history/maps they’d be a little curious and be like “What the hell is going on here?”

  24. Not one FBI agent was curious nor asked where they were taking the white dude to?  When he didn’t return to work the next day, did no one call the guy’s house or try looking for the white guy they saved?  No one found it odd that the police station has a giant hole blasted through and the bad guys got away.  No other superheroes are in this movie?  What about Captain America?  Ironman? Spiderman?  This is the same universe, right?

I think that’s the end of my review.

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